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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
just left a huge legacy in there
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras