Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
You Might Also Like
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…