[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
OKAY DAD
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.