[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.