my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
me irl
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened