[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
She: I like Cats
He:
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas