Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
United Steaks of America
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.