Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection