Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
absolutely not
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.