Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
All generalizations are stupid.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White