Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
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If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body