This took me a few seconds.. 馃槄
You Might Also Like
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I鈥檓 good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
me: you鈥檝e changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven鈥檛
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Hey I worked for it too!
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Don鈥檛 look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I鈥檓 late, I negotiate with terrorists.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o鈥檛hem french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.