Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts