so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978