What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
ugh not again
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Worth the read.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.