Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok