[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.