Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers