*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
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ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.