My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
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YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Love is always patient and kind.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”