y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Free him
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.