Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
life finds a way
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts