the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!