If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
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Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
We have a winner.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.