Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*