Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Same pineapple, same
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me