*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
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A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..