[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.