[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 馃檪 it appears that we鈥檙e all in this togeth-
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven鈥檛 done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: [touches wife鈥檚 arm] 鈿★笍ZAP鈿★笍
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it鈥檚 ok. it鈥檚 not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is鈥s that bad?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Venn
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
As the king鈥檚 food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this