Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”