Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?