“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.