With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names