I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
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Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: