Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries