Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.