Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
ok like just. call me at this point
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My god she’s good.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year