put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane