My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Think I pulled my liver
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down