DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
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Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees