I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
You Might Also Like
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
This is me 🤣🤣
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.