There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
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why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”