Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
IT’S-A ME,
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*