Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.