I swear some people should be banned from cooking
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Only Americans understand
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do