It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”