Awesome parenting 😂
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.