I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right