Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.