I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
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right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Friday
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.